Another searing piece -- thank you for capturing what it's like for those of us who say goodbye to parents by realizing we never really knew or had them to begin with. My father's late-in-life best friends were shocked to hear that he had grappled with crippling depression for decades in the 60s/70s/80s. Emotionally avoidant - yep. I'd like to think that it gave me my own emotional radar, but/and I think the pressures to couple and marry early and "well" in our parents generation have left this legacy.
Thanks, Peter. Yes, that generation really did make some missteps simply by being expected to marry the first viable person they came across. The avoidant/anxious pairing of my parents was hopelessly damaging to all of us, and from my own experience, I do wonder whether if either of them had started out in life with differently wired mates, their own worst traits might have never emerged. I can see in my own personal history--in romantic relationships but also business partnership and friendships--that two people can behave much better or much worse depending on some inbuilt dynamic specific to them.
There's also something about male emotional avoidance in particular that's problematic and runs throughout the generations, but that's a different long essay. ;-)
So many reactions....
Thanks for reacting! I'm glad it resonated.
Another searing piece -- thank you for capturing what it's like for those of us who say goodbye to parents by realizing we never really knew or had them to begin with. My father's late-in-life best friends were shocked to hear that he had grappled with crippling depression for decades in the 60s/70s/80s. Emotionally avoidant - yep. I'd like to think that it gave me my own emotional radar, but/and I think the pressures to couple and marry early and "well" in our parents generation have left this legacy.
Thanks, Peter. Yes, that generation really did make some missteps simply by being expected to marry the first viable person they came across. The avoidant/anxious pairing of my parents was hopelessly damaging to all of us, and from my own experience, I do wonder whether if either of them had started out in life with differently wired mates, their own worst traits might have never emerged. I can see in my own personal history--in romantic relationships but also business partnership and friendships--that two people can behave much better or much worse depending on some inbuilt dynamic specific to them.
There's also something about male emotional avoidance in particular that's problematic and runs throughout the generations, but that's a different long essay. ;-)
For me, it's always been a recurring struggle to realize ones parents were not the same people their friends and other relatives experienced.
This can sometimes be painfully blatant, yes.